Strip Club Ettiquette

Don’t you just hate when you’re out for a night of fun with your crew and your fun is endangered because not everyone is on the same page as to what constitutes proper club etiquette? Yes, there is proper club etiquette, surprisingly enough there is proper strip club etiquette. Come on people we live in a society. When have you gone anywhere that there wasn’t some collection of rules?  You haven’t.  Can you imagine the kinds of incidents that could happen in an establishment where you have alcohol, almost nekkid women, a lot of men, and no rules?  Yeah, you need some kind of guidelines when any kind of adult fun is involved because people are schtoopid!

So, this is your list as to how to comport yourself at a strip club. Whether you’re a guy, girl, ambivalent, flying solo or rolling with your crew this is a must read.

  1. Hit the ATM before you cross the threshold. Stick with the bills you have on you because the ATM at the club is usually broke, has a ridiculous fee, or is empty. Those dancers are dedicated to parting you from your green and they’re good at it.
  2. Gotta tip the ladies. Seriously, bad things happen when you “dis” the dancers. You’re risking getting your face beat up by a well muscled ass (and not in a good way), true story.
  3. She’s not auditioning for the role of your girlfriend. If you ain’t spending, she ain’t hanging. (Yes, some girlfriends do the same, but that’s a different post.)
  4. You must have stripper loyalty.  Pick a girl or two and stick with them. If you blow your wad (of cash) on every breast that jiggles, you won’t have anything left for the lady that will work that thang like she was in a video.
  5. You’ve got to respect the pole work. The pole is the shrine of the strip club. When a worthy and gifted dancer is truly working the pole, you must show the appreciation and the love. There will be “ooh’s,” “aah’s,” and “‘daaamn’s!” There should also be dollars. Lots of dollars because we both know, not everybody can do that shit.
  6. You aren’t in a rap video. You aren’t a baller. Stop attempting to make it rain with your rent money, grocery and utility bills. If you aren’t sitting on a roll of fives, tens, and twenties, calm that mess down and just politely slip those singles into her g-string. Trying make it rain when you can barely manage a light drizzle ain’t sexy.
  7. If you have a penis, you are a mark. If you have a rack, a decent face, and don’t look stuck up, you’re a prop. The dancer will use the woman to get the man to spend more money. Gentlemen, we’ve figured out how much you love girl on girl. You will pay.
  8. The dancer will not molest you (a male) the way she will molest your girl. Get over it and tip the ladies.
  9. Yes, if she’s cuddled up to you it’s all about the money. She is at work. You are the job.
  10. Keep your hands to yourself. Unless she places your hands somewhere specific–no touchy.
  11. They can purr. It’s hott, tip her!
  12. No pity tipping! You won’t get her off of you if you tip her. (You know what I’m talking about).
  13. Gentlemen, lady customers will not tip just to see some breast in our face or generic ass shaking. We have breasts, we can shake our asses. And, yes we totally critique outfits, techniques and footwear. No one in my squad tips if there is toe-grippage. The shoes must fit, the toes shouldn’t be hanging onto the shoe as though it were a life raft.
  14. Don’t throw your crumpled dollars at her ass as though you’re skipping rocks. It’s rude.
  15. Don’t talk shit to the dancers. Even the worst dancer can mule kick you in the face and claim that it was a hazard of the job. The patron was simply too close to the stage when she swung her leg around.
  16. Don’t let anyone know it’s your birthday. You won’t be getting cake. What you will be getting is brought on stage for two of the baddest and scariest dancers in the place to whup your ass with your own belt. Don’t do it!
  17. Don’t let anyone know its your bachelor party. You may get your underwear ripped off you, while you’re still wearing your pants. No one can give you a super wedgie like a sadistic dancer.
  18. Many of the dancers don’t ride stick. (i.e. your girl has a better shot of getting her real number than you do).
  19. Ladies, if you’re only at the club because your man likes it, stay the fuck home. No one wants to see you mean-mugging the dancers and turning your nose up to the women that are enjoying the show. That is what couples therapy is for.
  20. Don’t get drunk. You will be escorted out and left sitting on the curb until someone comes to claim you. Your friends will be too drunk or otherwise occupied to notice you were gone.
  21. NO PICTURES…Are you schtoopid?
  22. If you recognize a dancer in public, smile, nod and keep it moving. If you weren’t tipping her in fifties or higher, she won’t remember you and even is she did, she won’t admit it. Who does that? That’s stalker-like behavior. You don’t do that to the girl at Wal-mart when you see her in the mall do you? Dumb ass.
  23. There is a patron for every stripper. Don’t judge.
  24. Roll out with the people you rolled in with.
  25. Like in Vegas, what happens in the club, stays in the club.

50 Shames

As an “ice breaker” I couldn’t think of  a better introduction to my brand of  “ain’t right.”  Generally, these are things that sometimes make me look at myself with a head shake and a snort.   Not that I’m necessarily ashamed of these things, but some of them I should be; or could be if I weren’t me.

In no particular order…

  1. I’m a coffee snob and caffeine addict and much like the late Amy Winehouse; I ain’t going to rehab.
  2. I have a disturbing love affair with stationary. Truly, Staples is my Priscilla’s.
  3. I molest the fabric in craft stores. To be fair, you’re SUPPOSED to get a feel for the material and it’s not my fault that it gives me a thrill.
  4. My mind’s second home is the gutter. Come on down and sit a spell!
  5. I never unintentionally offend a person. Never.
  6. I’m that friend you have in low places.
  7. I ride around on a wave of sound. “I like my beats fast and my bass down low.” ~Dev
  8. I will totally mess up a display in a store and blame random toddlers.
  9. I deliberately and with malice aforethought give toys to unattended children in stores. (Hush, I could be giving out Red Bulls.)
  10. I don’t think all babies are cute.
  11. I discriminate against the stupid; all day, every day.
  12. When I say “bless her/his/your heart” more than likely I’m thinking something unflattering.
  13. Leather. (Use your imagination.)
  14. Purses (I have two X chromosomes–don’t judge me!)
  15. Shoes (see the above).
  16. I curse like a sailor just come in to port–in two languages.
  17. I firmly believe that not everyone should be allowed to breed. I have a list.
  18. I have a horror of slugs. I emit a screech that could curdle milk when I see one.
  19. I prefer a knife to a gun. I like the “personal” touch.
  20. For every “pithy” comment I’ve made, I’ve mentally discarded at least three worse ones.
  21. I have Vehicular Vehemence not Road Rage. Road Rage is for neophytes.
  22. I watch Football solely to critique the cheerleaders.
  23. I went to Catholic school and I totally tormented the priests and my male classmates. Good times.
  24. Safe words are for sissies. Go hard or go home.
  25. I’m a firm believer in ‘no blood, no foul.’
  26. I’m extremely ticklish. (Pay attention to #27)
  27. I’m extremely violent.
  28. I sing Bon Jovi songs in the shower.
  29. I know the words to “Don’t Hand Me No Lines and Keep Your Hands to Yourself” by the Georgia Satellites and I love it!
  30. I want to be a Scot, a proper Scot from the Highlands with a name like Siobhan Grainne MacNamarra. (I read way too many bodice rippers as a lass.)
  31. I adore corsets. (Again, I’m blaming the reading material of my misspent youth.)
  32. I love going to a strip club where the dancers are women. I’m not down for un-vetted sweaty balls in my face. Check out a Male Review or a lock-down before you judge.
  33. I’d love to learn to pole dance. That shit ain’t easy.
  34. I want to shear sheep. I’d have to learn first but I so want to.
  35. Bubble wrap just does it for me.
  36. I love to sink my bare toes into grass.
  37. No, everyone doesn’t deserve a second chance.
  38. I’ve been skinny dipping. In mixed company. I loved it.
  39. I once aspired to be a well-kept woman. I blame the musical Gigi and again, my youthful reading material.
  40. I rearrange the shirt and tie displays in stores.
  41. Limericks, dirty limericks.
  42. Erotica, the real deal not that main-stream crap!
  43. When I was a teenager I’d slip into the tobacconist shop just to smell the blends for pipe smokers (a proper pipe, not a crack pipe).  And I did it in my Catholic School uniform.
  44. My freak flag is always flying.
  45. I find blue-collar workers hot.
  46. I’m an intellectual snob.
  47. Deep voices do it for me aurally.
  48. I’m intrigued by genital piercings.
  49. I’m a closet exhibitionist.
  50. I’m only adventurous when it comes to adult recreational activities.