50 Shames

As an “ice breaker” I couldn’t think of  a better introduction to my brand of  “ain’t right.”  Generally, these are things that sometimes make me look at myself with a head shake and a snort.   Not that I’m necessarily ashamed of these things, but some of them I should be; or could be if I weren’t me.

In no particular order…

  1. I’m a coffee snob and caffeine addict and much like the late Amy Winehouse; I ain’t going to rehab.
  2. I have a disturbing love affair with stationary. Truly, Staples is my Priscilla’s.
  3. I molest the fabric in craft stores. To be fair, you’re SUPPOSED to get a feel for the material and it’s not my fault that it gives me a thrill.
  4. My mind’s second home is the gutter. Come on down and sit a spell!
  5. I never unintentionally offend a person. Never.
  6. I’m that friend you have in low places.
  7. I ride around on a wave of sound. “I like my beats fast and my bass down low.” ~Dev
  8. I will totally mess up a display in a store and blame random toddlers.
  9. I deliberately and with malice aforethought give toys to unattended children in stores. (Hush, I could be giving out Red Bulls.)
  10. I don’t think all babies are cute.
  11. I discriminate against the stupid; all day, every day.
  12. When I say “bless her/his/your heart” more than likely I’m thinking something unflattering.
  13. Leather. (Use your imagination.)
  14. Purses (I have two X chromosomes–don’t judge me!)
  15. Shoes (see the above).
  16. I curse like a sailor just come in to port–in two languages.
  17. I firmly believe that not everyone should be allowed to breed. I have a list.
  18. I have a horror of slugs. I emit a screech that could curdle milk when I see one.
  19. I prefer a knife to a gun. I like the “personal” touch.
  20. For every “pithy” comment I’ve made, I’ve mentally discarded at least three worse ones.
  21. I have Vehicular Vehemence not Road Rage. Road Rage is for neophytes.
  22. I watch Football solely to critique the cheerleaders.
  23. I went to Catholic school and I totally tormented the priests and my male classmates. Good times.
  24. Safe words are for sissies. Go hard or go home.
  25. I’m a firm believer in ‘no blood, no foul.’
  26. I’m extremely ticklish. (Pay attention to #27)
  27. I’m extremely violent.
  28. I sing Bon Jovi songs in the shower.
  29. I know the words to “Don’t Hand Me No Lines and Keep Your Hands to Yourself” by the Georgia Satellites and I love it!
  30. I want to be a Scot, a proper Scot from the Highlands with a name like Siobhan Grainne MacNamarra. (I read way too many bodice rippers as a lass.)
  31. I adore corsets. (Again, I’m blaming the reading material of my misspent youth.)
  32. I love going to a strip club where the dancers are women. I’m not down for un-vetted sweaty balls in my face. Check out a Male Review or a lock-down before you judge.
  33. I’d love to learn to pole dance. That shit ain’t easy.
  34. I want to shear sheep. I’d have to learn first but I so want to.
  35. Bubble wrap just does it for me.
  36. I love to sink my bare toes into grass.
  37. No, everyone doesn’t deserve a second chance.
  38. I’ve been skinny dipping. In mixed company. I loved it.
  39. I once aspired to be a well-kept woman. I blame the musical Gigi and again, my youthful reading material.
  40. I rearrange the shirt and tie displays in stores.
  41. Limericks, dirty limericks.
  42. Erotica, the real deal not that main-stream crap!
  43. When I was a teenager I’d slip into the tobacconist shop just to smell the blends for pipe smokers (a proper pipe, not a crack pipe).  And I did it in my Catholic School uniform.
  44. My freak flag is always flying.
  45. I find blue-collar workers hot.
  46. I’m an intellectual snob.
  47. Deep voices do it for me aurally.
  48. I’m intrigued by genital piercings.
  49. I’m a closet exhibitionist.
  50. I’m only adventurous when it comes to adult recreational activities.


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